People with herpes should wear stickers.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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