nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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