There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
