My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
They took my balls.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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