It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
