I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The best revenge is premature balding
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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