I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
