i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
