OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
