just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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