I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
