just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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