I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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