So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
