I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
