i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
