my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
