If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
