Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
