I cannot find my penis.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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