it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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