The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
