I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
