i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
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Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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