I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
