ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
