This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
