First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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