i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The uberlube is also flammable
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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