I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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