My liver just broke up with me...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
