Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In other news, I just burned my penis
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
