you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
