The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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