I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
