At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
