I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
