Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
