I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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