I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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