The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
