The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
