first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
