Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
