Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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