You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
