he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
