My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
