You can't motorboat a personality
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
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You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
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Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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