I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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