Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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