I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
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And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
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ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
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