To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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