I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
