Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
