Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
