No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I would fuck him just for his dog
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
