Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
