3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
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