If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I will be naked everywhere
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
