I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
