the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
